‘Oops, I’m so sorry!’ said Helen as she bumped into the tall man entering the café. She was on her way out of the door and nearly spilled her usual decaf latte down her new yoga pants amid the jostling.
‘It’s ok,’ he said with a grin.
She recognised him immediately. It was Andy, her ex. He looked amazing as usual dressed in expensive designer jeans, something he could afford being the owner of a new up and coming advertising agency in Shoreditch. They met when he hired her to do some marketing consultancy. She hadn’t long been self-employed and was grateful when he showed patience, knowing it was one of her first contracts. They went out for dinner one evening to discuss the client’s brief and romance soon followed.
‘Hi Helen, how are you?’ he said casually, as if he had only seen her last week, even though they split up a year ago.
‘Andy, what a surprise,’ she said, trying to sound just as casual even though knots were beginning to form in her stomach. She had missed him terribly over the last year.
‘It’s good to see you. Can I get you another coffee?’’ he said, pointing to her takeaway cup.
Helen agreed and sat down at one of the rustic wooden tables by the window, as Andy went over to the serving counter. The vegan café was on a fashionable East London street and was buzzing with young creative types talking enthusiastically over their vegan lunches, or heads over their smartphones. The smell of freshly baked artisan bread wafted from the kitchen. It made him hungry as he looked over the vintage props strategically placed on the shelves above the counter. He smiled to himself and realised why Helen came here, she always liked quirky places.
Making a note to contact the owners later to do business, he went back to the table with the piping hot coffees and sat on a metal chair opposite Helen.
‘So, how have you been?’ he asked gently.
‘Oh fine, you know, doing this and that,’ she said. ‘I hear you got the contract for Vodafone, congratulations.’ She said that curtly, not being able to help herself. Part of her still felt angry that he hadn’t asked for her help at the start of that tender.
‘Helen, I know you wanted in on that gig,’ he said wearily, ‘but you knew we couldn’t work together anymore, not with all that was going on.’
‘It would have been nice to have the choice though,’ she replied.
‘Let’s not go over all that again,’ he sighed. ‘Tell me what you have been up to instead’.
She took a deep breath to calm herself. ‘Well I’ve been saving up for India, you know, to go to that retreat in the mountains?’
‘Oh good!’ he said enthusiastically. ‘You always wanted to do that, I’m pleased for you!’
Just then, a loud noise came from the kitchen as metal saucepans clattered to the floor. It made Helen jump. This time she did spill her coffee, all over Andy’s jeans. He let out a gasp as the liquid burned his legs slightly. ‘You seem nervous,’ he said to Helen, mopping up the liquid with a napkin. ‘What’s the matter?’
‘It’s just a bit overwhelming seeing you again,’ she admitted.
‘I know, it’s overwhelming to see you too. You know I didn’t want us to split up.’
‘But we had no other choice, did we really? Not with all that happened since that day your Dad contacted you.’
It was true, that was the turning point between them in their three-year relationship. Andy was adopted and only found out when his real father rang him out of the blue eighteen months ago, asking for contact. He loved his parents but always felt different growing up in Scotland, like a real connection was missing. He became an angry teenager, running away briefly at fifteen, something he never told Helen. His real father turning up now was too much for the emotions he had tried to push down all those years. He didn’t want to go back there again. So, he chose to ignore everything instead, putting all his energies into work. They began arguing over silly issues, as the bigger things remained unsaid. Helen felt pushed out and turned to her old friend Eva from university for comfort. Eva always knew what to say, what to do. The soft lingering of her old lover’s hand over her breast excited her again as it did back in the day when she was young and free. How different things were now. She never told Andy about this of course, but now she couldn’t help feeling desperately guilty, as she sensed he was going to say something important.
‘I decided to get back to him in the end actually,’ Andy said, relief in his voice.
‘You did? That was brave of you,’ Helen replied sympathetically.
‘I know. I think the time on my own gave me the space I needed to process things. I realised part of me would be missing all my life if I didn’t find out who he was now. It turns out he was in the final stages of cancer, that’s why he wanted to find me and explain why he left me all those years ago. My real mother died in childbirth and he couldn’t cope with the grief, so he put me up for adoption. He died a few weeks ago’.
‘I’m so sorry,’ she said with sadness, feeling even more guilty.
‘Thanks,’ he said, ‘But I’m feeling much lighter now. I am glad to have known him briefly, and some demons have been put to bed. I meant to call you actually, to tell you about it all and see if we could maybe try again?’
‘Oh Andy, I just don’t know,’ she said, her own confession on the tip of her tongue.
Copyright Rachel Toy, 2020